Buddha (via quotewhore)
This is exactly what I believe about religion. But if I put it up on my FB, I would get so much shit. So I won’t.
“Janie stood where he left her for unmeasurable time and thought. She stood there until something fell off the shelf inside her. Then she went inside there to see what it was. It was her image of Jody tumbled down and shattered. But looking at it she saw that it never was the flesh and blood figure of her dreams. Just something she had grabbed up to drape her dreams over. In a way, she turned her back upon the image where it lay and looked further. She had no more blossomy openings dusting pollen over her man, neither any glistening young fruit where the petals used to be. She found that she had a host of thoughts she had never expressed to him, and numerous emotions she had never let Jody know about. Things packed up and put away in parts of her heart where he could never find them. She was saving up feelings for some man she had never seen. She had an inside and an outside now and suddenly she knew how not to mix them.”
-Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God
F. Scott Fitzgerald (via nomoreundead)
And I have.
I’m glad to hear that people see me as happy now. Because I am. No one is going to confuse me about the state of my emotions ever again. I’m taking full ownership.
It feels so good to finally say no… to finally call it quits. This job has been ruining my spirit and the money just isn’t worth it anymore. Bye bye bitches.
Don’t be afraid to suffer; return
that heaviness to the earth’s own weight;
heavy are the mountains, heavy the seas.
Even the small trees you planted as children
have long since become too heavy; you could not
carry them now. But the winds… But the spaces….” —Rainer Maria Rilke, The Sonnets to Orpheus (translated by Stephen Mitchell)
Sadly, I’ve heard that line (“the last lines I write for you”) so many times. And yet, you keep showing up. And I don’t quite understand why you still read my Tumblr anyway.
Are you upset that I’m actually over you? Is that why you still feel the need to insert your anonymous comments? And you can see it as hate… fine. But to me, it’s just the closing of a door, never wanting to be open again.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen a different path. If I had said yes to you and no to myself. If I had chosen to slave after the moon and all its glory instead of basking in the sun.
I wonder what it would have been like to have you love me into living, instead of to death. If you had stayed on the phone with me as I slept. If you had let me love you.
I chose to keep myself instead of paying for the cost of love. I chose to thrive in my own identity, to love myself despite the harsh coldness of my breath and the rash emotions of my heart. I chose me instead of you… or us.
I chose this. I chose to better myself and move on. So why haven’t I invested in it? Why do I still feel as though self is a lot less valuable than us?
So many thoughts. Though nothing has seemed to change. I just wonder when my life will start without you. When I will see a full return on the investment I placed in myself instead of us. When will I reap the rewards of all my sacrifice? Haven’t I lost enough along this journey?
Doesn’t everyone deserve their own oasis? An utopia of the self? Basking in all the attributes that I am and will never be again.